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Love Life (Song Lyrics)
Winter 2001
Got to
Gotta
Godda
Want it
Need it
Like it
Lick it
Stick it
Flick it
Tweak it
Suck it
Bite it
Chew it
Do it
Goo it
Grab it
Grind it
Find it
Bind it
Rub it
Hump it
Jump it
Bone it
Fill it
Pierce it
Scratch it
Snatch it
Got to
Gotta
Godda
Want it
Need it
Like it
Lick it
Stick it
Flick it
Tweak it
Suck it
Fuck it
Hey Old Man
2001-02-10 - 2001-03-21
Hey dirty old man
Just like the rest
You want to devour them
Pretty young supple things
Everyone wants them
Who wants you?
Hey bitter old man
Wasted energies trying to rise
Experience hits you hard
Cheated of your youth
Hits harder when you're down
Feeling jaded by fate?
Hey lonely old man
You had grand romantic ideals
So good for those worthy
No compromise or settling
So special and valuable
What have you now?
Hey sad old man
Poor lost innocent naive dreams
So many ideas will never be
All of your potential forgotten
Nothing goes to plan
What have you accomplished?
Hey scared old man
Not risking not gaining
Too stuck in your ways
Afraid to experiment
Too shy to try
How much have you missed?
Hey boring old man
Lacking initiative
Watching other's experiences
Learning what you understood
Waiting for opportunity
What's it all for?
Hey worthless old man
Wishing for freedom
Searching for meaning
Wanting value
Needing satisfaction
Was anything worth it?
Hey living old man
Hanging onto hope of happiness
Your statement is your life
Things marks ideas and feelings
You will leave for others
What impressions will you leave?
•
Living is clinging to the life raft of hope,
Potential happiness outweighs potential despair,
Otherwise enough is enough and it's time to let go,
Nothing left to live for without hope.
•
Bliss way too much to ask for
Settle for peace if you find it
You are the sky
Your life is like the heavens
But the heavens can rain like hell
You are the universe
There are brilliant moments to see
But there is so much cold dark space between them
What are you going to do
What are you going to do
Keep looking for the big stars
Keep hoping for sunshine
Keep wishing for warmth
Keep wanting for happiness
Keep needing for meaning
Is procreation the answer
Create another you
What will you make
What will you make of yourself
What is your purpose
What will you do
What will you do
What can you do
Keep
looking
searching
wanting
needing
meaning
satisfaction.
Search For Meaning
pre 2001-05-24
I find no meaning in my life, except in seeking out and experiencing the kind of joy that is only hand to mouth. Joy in the moment and only for the moment. Then I feel empty and wanting for more. You might think me an addictive personality. Rather I am an indulgent personality.
Religion and philosophy only hold more questions and contradictions for me.
The creation and appreciation of the arts come the closest to filling my need for meaning. The process of fulfilling self-expression is energizing, rewarding and as challenging as I wish for both my audience, and myself.
Perhaps a romantic love may fill the remaining meaningless void in my life.
Perhaps heirs of some sort - children, adopted kids, apprentices or friends - may even be a part of this.
Right now, art is all I have.
Oldest Of Three Sons
2001-11-02
I was the oldest of three sons. In my formative teenager years I attempted to develop a personality independent of my parents. I wished to make decisions and discoveries for myself.
My parents had wonderful intentions and gave many eclectic opportunities for success but little acceptance in failure. I was an exploratory youth, though not a wild child, and my parents were strict, though not tyrannical. Had my parents been less morally strict and more openly understanding I believe a stronger communication and connection would have eased some of the tension of my curious character. But I was repressed. Every time I was grounded the freedom that I wanted was taken away from me. The more I was denied opportunity to experience life on my terms the more I longed for it.
And so I spent many of those days upstairs, alone in my room. Often I just stared at my posters, or at my desk, or at my hands. I daydreamed about existence and death, art and the future, and grand ideas that would likely never be realized.
Fortunately I was not so hapless as to do nothing all those days. My spirit was thirsty and I found ways to feed my mind. I escaped in books and art and music. I developed a sanctuary within the walls of my cell. I cultivated my mind with extreme thoughts from extreme talents.
I read the best words that the best authors of the world could offer. In my room I read about philosophies and religions, art and design, fact, fiction and science fiction. I listened to classical music and modern music, primitive music and advanced music, angry music and calming music and I magically moderated my moods. I practiced different styles of illustration and painting. I collected influences and ideas from every possible source. Everything from the banal and broad, to the extreme and exotic was filed and organized.
Everything in my room had a place. In my room I collected and categorized and entertained and educated myself alone. I grew independent and more imaginative than ever. All the while I established habits my way, stayed up late (against parental wishes), was distracted without focus, had many projects on the go, finished some, and dreamed of more.
I could amuse myself locked up or out as I roamed the world. While I explored the world in my mind I remained capably social and curious. I never had problems socializing with people and until they proved me otherwise I assumed they were as intelligent, good natured and open-minded.
[ The musing ends here, followed only by this brief note that was intended to be expanded upon later. This has something to do with my father's generosity/bribery/blackmail technique. I forget where I was going with this. Most likely I was going to point out how I over compensate and contradict my father's example to the point of often being too generous with little to show but a clear conscience. ]
Expectations of gifts so great that gifts or assistance were feared.
Graphic Poem For A Novel
2001-11-11
"But why do you run?" she asked.
"I can't see the future and I can't see past myself," he answered. "I'm weighed down but my heart is so light I'm afraid to look into it."
"There never would be any more or any less."
He wondered, "So now what?"
She hummed, "Sometimes. Like this."
Change waited patiently.
Still, things.
Move.
Family Unit
Fall 2001
I believe it has been important for the survival and evolution of mankind to have had hope, structure and organized religion through out history to maintain the strong family unit. However much things are different now with technology in the diverse society we live in, it makes sense that 2 life long parents is preferable.
A single parent (with help from various people, transient spouses/friends, TV edutainment, etc) may be good for the child in teaching adaptiveness and the impermanence of existence, but it's simply more likely taxing on the parent, thus I assume lower quality care is provided, even if that single parent to child tie may be stronger. It's also interesting to compare the attention a single child recieves versus several children. (Comparing Asian extended families or community raised kids is interesting too.) But with the child survival and sustanence better than ever (in North America) and more time to spend on non-survival issues, children have it much better than ever before.
While society can limit perspectives there is much more to be gained from society as a whole and the tools of information will be the means and source. Children will be raised by media and the myths and morals portrayed will be censored or exposed by the general consensus. Options will become more and less avaiable as gobal human culture diversifies and becomes more tollerant and intollerant of specific behavior.
In summary, as a person that thrives on uniqueness and radical self-existentialism, possibly destined to ever be a family of one (plus cats), I believe a religious family unit gives many stability and a structure that could otherwise fly appart. But I also think the modern concept of only 2 straight, religious, married, lifelong parents is too limitted and is outdated. (Some raging gay couples are far better parental models than, if I may stoop to so low a comparison, a trailer park white trash married couple.) Other wider productive and effective options should not only be available but valued. I don't see acceptance of 'alternative' families as an 'if' but as a 'when'.
The Fundamentals
2001-12-20
A - What are these drives and emotions but checks and balances in our already clearly confusing lives. We contradict and complement ourselves in everything we do, even when we're not doing anything.
B - You're not making any sense.
A - Isn't it all just overwhelming?
B - You mean your babbling?
A - I mean bumbling through average mean pessimistic life, bubbling lively occasionally optimistic opportunity. Depending how you look at it. See what I mean?
B - Okay. What's really bothering you?
A - Nothing. - And everything.
B - Can you narrow that down a bit?
A - Jeez. I suppose I could start with the fundamentals. Time, change, power, meaning, mortality, solitude, love, pain, hope, limits, aesthetics, knowledge, magnitude, diversity, contrast.
B - Finding subjective existence difficult?
A - That's it! - Or is it too easy?
What story would you like to tell?
2001-12-23
What story would you like to tell?
Tossed and frolicking through this maze of life you radiate waves of your essence. Some solid fundamentals of being, other facets are bold stains on your soul. There are bright sparks of inspirations while foggy whispers carry away on the wind of dreams. Subtler than these paint your character into a fable of your meaning in time in these places.
So. (Sew buttons on ice cream.)
What story would you like to tell?
For You Hope
2001-12-26
Lost hopes and empty dreams,
While promise fades so it seems,
Here I am, always too shy,
While I let fine girls pass me by.
All those good ones mostly taken,
Or with issues, or somehow aching,
Deeper caught in my pickle,
While I only get ever more fickle,
Missed opportunity and fading glory,
Getting older, choice getting sorry,
How can I expect to find,
Any girl like I have in mind.
I don't know you yet
But my heart is set
I'm hanging on to hope
That we can find each other
I won't relinquish hope
Until we find each other
And melt together blissfully
As we were meant.
Fickle Dreams
2001-12-27
When am I going to slip free of my ideals of a clean and pristine fantasy of happy ever after?
Things get surly, sloppy, slutty and imperfect, if they aren't already. That's the way it is and we'll miss out if we subscribe to the pre-scripted superficial world we get in the media.
But how does one embrace this greasy world when we've been brainwashed to be fickle and hold onto your dreams.
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2000-2007 Jason 'Sunshine' Carswell.
