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Circular Reason
2003-01-29
What do I have to feel guilty about?
As a human being I am party to all the crimes and achievements of mankind. As a middle class citizen of North America I am privileged enough to have a nice meal in a restaurant with no dirty work. That includes creature slaughter and preparation using nuclear power and earth's resources all for great mass consumption. While I know it is there, just as heavy-handed foreign policy exists against my own human kind in other regions, it is primarily out of sight and out of mind. I'm drunk on my own grotesque Americonsumerism and the blur only clears momentarily when 'fanatic rebels' explode their protest right in my face.
Despite the privilege of so many advancements I horde trivial representations of humanities successes and knowledge while greedily clambering through life. Rarely satisfied, always consuming or producing for more consumption, rarely satiated. Men and women's silly squabbles and subjective stations and interactions are laughable and almost ignorable if I weren't actually one of these silly little ignorant humans.
As I pathetically watch the boob tube, that sterile opiate of the masses, I am a pathetic human fool that wants not only shiney hair, but the girl with the shiny hair and the shiny car and shiny house in the shiny television commercial for the shiny blissful 30 second life span. Until the next ad distracts me from my own oblivious life of oblivion.
The Ides
2003-03-15
4:00am sleepless with chronic headache
I don't understand this hollow and empty feeling I've been living. Perhaps it's from this weeklong headache, or perhaps the ineffective Tylenol. Perhaps it's because until Kiwi finally left I was focused in anger at his lack of common decency and hadn't noticed myself growing hollow. Perhaps I'm a crotchety miserable old retch who can't be social because I'm too overwhelmed by life, interpersonal relationships, hierarchies, sexuality, reality, financials and powers of various natures. Seem vague? The hollowness is more than vague.
As I look for direction forward, up, out and away from this haze, all I can do is look at the mess of unproductive bad habits and distractions (too many interests and creative ideas) I currently inhabit. If I could only focus on a goal or few. But my life is full of half-complete projects and ideas.
Here in the haze, while I can't see the future I can see the past as it grows. I can't see any pattern or direction should I wish to change course. I don't want to feel full of regret and I'm pretty lucky that for the most part I don't. Granted I'd like to know how things could have gone if I was bolder with secret girl infatuations of past acquaintance, or if I could have acted differently yet still in my character in key moments (but when were those key moments?). Aside from my inhibitions and making stronger career moves (though I don't know how I could have done that since my career is equally hazy), I am generally satisfied with my life so far (subtract a few embarrassing wasted and/or sexual episodes) even though none of my life has turned out at all the way I ever imagined.
So if things thus far are satisfactory, and the future by nature is unlimited and invisible, then why am I not at peace? The looming capitalizing war is as fearsome to me as earthquakes, tornadoes and meteors - a force too large to do too much but what you can and prepare. In other words, not a big grief to me.
There is something missing to fill my hollow. A passion in art or love. A muse to amuse me would certainly do the trick. But then I've said that for years. Maybe I just need a new creative focus, preferably a profitable one. Maybe I just need more sleep.
Nice Lyrics
2003-04-18
See, you're here
You can't see
Nobody knows, nobody sees
But believe
See what I can see
Touch my hand
Hear me breathe
Know I'm here too
Lame Rant
2003-06-24
This rant is kind of vague and yet specific but all around lame. I should probably explain so that there's no confusion, this rant is specifically targeting myself. It's not all sunshine and lollypops here. I'm my own worst critic and I don't know exactly how to just deal. I suppose I deal anyway cause I'm still here and time marches on and I deal by default. But there I go critiquing my dealings with the hands I'm dealt.
Do you ever have those days (or weeks, or months, or years) where you feel like you try and try to be a good person and do the right thing and sometimes you are weak or tired or bored or selfish and sometimes no matter how strong or energetic or on it or generous you are it's still not enough? Sometimes you think what a disappointment you are or how you could have done better if you had only known, or cared, or had the energy.
I've built a barrier up around me. It has two sides. Sometimes I feel like I am too worthy for things and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve anything. I know I am lucky in so many ways for so many opportunities, gifts and luck. Other times I feel cheated. And still other times I feel like I'm even too lucky to live, that I'm simply a waste of energy and resources with nothing to contribute to anything of consequence. These perceptions apply too much to every aspect of life, from relationships (or lack thereof), to work (or lack thereof), to material things (or lack thereof) and to my emotions (or lack thereof).
I've come to realize that aiming for happiness is destined for failure because it's unsustainable. If you aim for satisfaction you will miss, sometimes higher, sometimes lower, but at least the mean averages will be better, and perhaps more realistic. But maybe I should just aim to simply be. Right in the middle. If I take oodles of prozac I won't have to feel either way and simply just be.
What to do.
I don't know.
People don't care how much you know unless they know how much you care.
I care. But I still don't know.
What to do.
Same thing. I guess. Just keep on keepin' on.
Tryin to do the right thing, succeeding often and failing less often hopefully. I just hope people don't remember the failures so much as the successes.
~ Ass Sunshine / Stallion Sunshine
Imagine Reloaded
July 2003
Imagine if you were at the beginning of the end. Would that make you any less close or further? Regardless, imagine an ultimate conclusion that continually redefines itself, continually reinvents itself, and continually persists. Patterns that repeat themselves in ways that are inconsistent and often...
[Thought interrupted and Sunday Soccer session begun.]
Dynomite Skate Betty,
2003-07-26/27
You are so fresh and new to me that I can't help but try to phase the excitement, anticipation and hope that I feel. That big "L" word is still so far away from being said, yet I can't help but sing a few. The first letcherous lyric leaping to mind is lust, but less low, I long to linger lightly on your lucious lips looking forward to lascivious luxuries later. I like you. Lots.
I can only hope it's reciprocal and might last. Regardless I'll always be grateful for our precious moments.
Drunken Wordzmixmaster Part 2
(written to Tchaicovskies Romeo & Juliet)
I really sounded fatalistic, pretentious and like stalker material there. Now I am in a lubricated state where it can all flow as non-self-consciously freely as the ralphing chuncks after a night of kindey pumelling. (While familiar with that scenario, however drunk I am tonight it's only fictional.) Cute eh?
I seem to be in a constant state of trying to verbally shock people, both because my mind is a strange and wonderously creative space, but also because I know I'm only trying to be as shockingly perverse and grotesque and comedic and clever as possible for the attention. I'm pretty self-aware while overwhelmed with options and doubt in a few areas. I can't explain the reasons behind exraverted and simultaneously shy Sunshine but I do know that he is a character of steadfast openness, a generous romantic, perverse and wicked and sharing and caring and still hoping to learn all about you so much. To learn about who you are, what your interests are and how I can be a greater part of your dreams and whatever other aspects of your fierce and fun life you wish to share with me. Please forgive my giddy pleasure at your aquaintance. Be patient with me and I shall never be equalled.
Part 3 (Tired and sort of hung over, on the subway to help my brother move.)
I don't know what more to say. Yet I feel compelled like nothing else for years to put down in petty little words how deeply in smitt I am. You have me smitten like a kitten floored by a Mack truck, except I'm the pussy with lion's heart. (How could I ever have seen you cuming?) It seems you have rekindled that fire deep within that has been dormant for ever so long. I've got a burning sensation (and it ain't when I pee). Like a moth I am not only attrated to your radiant bright beauty and deliciousness, but I am helplessly drawn to the fire in your belly. You have a lust for life. Streetwise yet innocent, classic and modern, comedy and intelligence are the youthful curiousites that fuel your unquenchable quest for experience.
I'm yours if you will be completely open with me too.
-
Your powerful essence has me enchanted. Either you are a malelovant mystical mistress or a well-wicked witch. Or both. Regardless, I am certainly lulled and hypnotized into a false sense of security trusting my tender heart in your delicate hands with your fierce soul.
Blissed
2003-07-30
We kissed,
I'm blissed,
You're missed,
So sweet,
And petite,
I'm in deep smitt,
This might be it,
With me so smitten,
By such a lovely kitten,
What's a Sunshine to do,
With a crush on wonderful you?
Blackout
2003-08-14
Despite the fact that I talk to you on a daily basis about how much I feel for you, I can't help but continue to try to elaborate on my sheer joy that our shared company percolates through my entire being.
Interestingly enough I write this by candlelight during a peculiar black out and yet my spirit is filled with the brightness of you. Even though you are exploring the city on skateboard while I watch the beautiful sunset over the quiet city of Toronto, I still feel you here in my heart. These days are filled with wonder and I can only wonder if my cliche'd words and triffle tokens can perhaps give you a tiny fraction of an idea of how I feel for you.
Now I believe in magic. I've had so much fun with you (including dancing on Saturday) and I look forward to so much more good times with you.
Brightly,
Sunshine
First Letter
2003-10-01
MY MEDITERRANEAN GODDESS,
I am here and you are there
But I know no sorrow
AS LONG AS I KNOW YOU
In my thoughts,
My soul
And my heart.
You have my fondest affections
And my fantastic attractions
Won by your countless wonderful qualities.
I utter such bold words with authority
For you exceed
Even my most extreme dreams and ideals
Like nothing I've ever experienced.
Sharing like nothing I've ever experienced.
Caring like nothing I've ever experienced.
Love like nothing I've ever experienced.
I WILL BE MY BEST
To keep your company
To deserve your desire
To earn your enthusiasm
To inspire your intellect
TO LOVE YOU LENA.
Dream
2003-10-17
I had a dream about us this morning.
I don't really remember much as it was a dream and they can be so vague. But I do remember the satisfying feeling of things being dandy and all peacefully in it's place.
I often feel that when I think of you.
Mmm...
Fortunate
2003-11-16
Fortunately I am lucky to have my talents, many skills and diverse interests. I love to do my projects to my best ability with attention to detail regardless if it's computer animation or making furniture. I like being as involved in a project as much as possible from the earliest concepts to the finishing touches on the final product. I enjoy the collaborative process and each piece becomes very personal. I am passionate about what I do. Please excuse my enthusiasm.
My Glorious Enchantress,
2003-11---
You possess my thoughts magically
Rekindling my heart mystically
I have fallen deep into your spell
And yet I have never felt so well
Unexpectedly I feel more than whole
Sharing honest hearts is my true goal
Still too far but within reach nearly
You've bewitched me clearly dearly
So cast aside any fear and doubt
And grow to know what I'm about
As I yearn to learn all about my muse
On this whole Earth it's you I choose
You naturally evoke rare devotion
Your potion helps me pour emotion
Destroy every possible remedy
And I'll love you infinitly through eternity
Your familiar kindred spirit.
Good witch doctor of the northwest,
I have a feverish fondness for you.
I promise to always do my best,
And do everything I can to be true.
Reflecting
2003-12---
How can I write this in so much self conciuosness? Lena may read every word of this. I look in the mirror and wonder who it is. Unemployed with unlimitted potential. Compitent and completely contradictory. Loathe love thyself.
I'm not against Bush personally. He seems like a nice guy on TV. I like the US, enjoy great cities and places in the US, and my love Lena lives in the US.
I am against the idea that he is President though he did not win. I am against narrow minded Republicans. I am against the US foreign policies in the Global Village. I am against the US state of fear and ignorance. I am against consumerism and capitalism.
Meanwhile I still guiltily consume and enjoy the benefits of this society. I hope the starting point to change is knowledge.
Consider
2003-12-14
Imagine bell curves on marital status throughout your life, players for life, divorcees, married for life. Where are you? Why does or doesn't it matter?
Awkwardness post fatty, drama with hideous girls - not worth it.
Do you ever feel like there are big signs throughout your life but aren't sure which are actual signs and which are coincidence? Too much input.
Concious Commercialism
2003-12-20
How can I try to be concious of environmental suffering, animal rights and worry about people being nice to each other, and still, all the while being a digital whore and feed the capitalist (capitalize = exploit) consumerist (insatiable + disposable) advertizing (dissatisfaction brainwashing) machine? Do not forget buying lowest prices (exploitive and costly in other trickle down ways) or bulk processed food meeting minimal legal health standards. And yet, removing motivation to evolve and growth is obviously no solution. Reduce, reuse, refill and recycle in the meantime.
Love's Hope
2003-12-22
Hang on to love's hope,
Known and unknown, driving on,
Biting snow, grey trees.
Loaded Questions
2003-12---
Loaded for why?
'Why not' just isn't a good enough answer anymore.
Lena. Self destruction. Common social lube. Stupidity is bliss. How productive are you anyway with an 4-8 extra hours that you use up by going out? Better than TV. What else to do sober?
Time to get back on top.
(Not that I had a problem (or am in denial of a problem), but it's generally time to up the career thing and grow more as a person (always room for improvement), and I can't do that here (jobless), I can't do that socializing (drunk or sober with no goals), and balance the external value with the internal self worth. And vice versa.
Thought Bytes
Through 2003
Bitter isolation sweet solitude.
The ache of isolation and escape of solitude.
Balance is subjective. Which way is up to the Earth?
Living inspiration instead of living will.
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2000-2007 Jason 'Sunshine' Carswell.
